To Post or Not To Post

I have been trying to decide whether or not to write about this topic since Tuesday. So I asked myself, why do we post our thoughts on blogs? Well, sometimes we post to share celebrations with friends or family who live far away. Sometimes we post to vent. Sometimes we post to inform. Somtimes we post to share our experiences. That's what this post is.

In October Stephen and I found out that we were expecting another baby. Since our youngest will be one on December 20, we were surprised at first and then overjoyed because we knew we wanted 4 and we knew we wanted them somewhat close in age. We want to take family trips when the youngest is old enough to enjoy them so being pregnant so soon meant we could start those family trips sooner. It also meant that we would both go back to work full-time sooner. So...we became very excited. We told Lauren (our 4 year old) and she quickly asked questions about "new baby." She knew that Mommy was tired a lot because of new baby. She must remember what "new baby" means from my pregnancy with Abby.

We decided not to tell ANYONE until Christmas and we were trying to find a way to make the announcement fun.

Last Tuesday was my first appointment with my doctor. When she started the sonogram, I immediately noticed that the sac was empty. There was a tiny spec at the top and the doctor said it probably was a blighted ovum. I was 12 weeks along. The doctor told me that as a precaution, she wanted to do bloodwork immediately and repeat it the next day to make certain that my HCG levels were going down. She said I would receive a call at that time giving me hospital instructions for a D&C on Friday. I started thinking about who would care for the kids while I was in the hospital. Then I had to face the fact that my mom would have come down immediately if she hadn't passed away in April and the tears started falling. All of my stay-at-home-mom friends have very young children of their own so I thought maybe I should find a different home for each of my kids. I always feel like I am burdening others, that's just the way I am. I could only think of 2 moms and they both answered immediately that they would help. Then one mom took her small ones to the doctor and was faced with an ear infection and I think bronchitis. I sent out an SOS email to the moms in the mom's group at church. A co-worker mentioned that one of my old babysitters might be back in town because she is moving home. Her mom is a teacher at my school so I rushed over to ask her if Rachel was back in town. She said Rachel was coming back over the weekend but she would call her and see if she could come in to help out. She left a message and said she'd let me know ASAP.

Back in my classroom, I received an email from E, the mom who was watching Lauren. Without hesitation, said she'd watch all 3. Now, I have no doubt that she could do the job but I just couldn't imagine her taking care of her 3 and 4 year old boys, 18 month old daughter, and my 3, and NOT go insane! Seriously, picture 6 children aged 4 and under running amuk, oh, the possibilities. Also, it hit me that we'd have to wake the kids up early and then my friend, E, would have to wake up early as well. I I didn't think it would happen but if Rachel could come into town, that would probably be best for all.

All of this was going on yesterday while I still had not heard from my doctor's office. That's a story for another post! Grrr!

At 2:30, my co-worker called and said her daughter would drive in right after work and be here at whatever time we needed her. How amazing is that? We realize how much people care when we are in times of need.

This morning we were at the hospital at 7:00. The paperwork and EKG took an hour and a half. Then they took me to pre-op, told me to change, and left me there all alone. Then it hit me...I was going to be put under. I could bleed out from this procedure, Yes, it is done all the time. Yes, many of my friends have had this done and some of them have had it done 2 or 3 times, but the thought of never seeing my children and husband again set in and the tears began to fall. After hooking up my IV, they let Stephen back in. They took me to the OR at around 8:40, gave me the "margarita cocktail" and I was out until 9:40. I talked my nurse's ear off and was released by 10:50. Once we returned home, Lauren asked me where we went. I told her the hospital. She immediately asked, "Did they take new baby out of your tummy?" So, after long thought, we told her that new baby did not grow and yes, they took new baby out of my tummy. And she saw all my band-aids and kissed every boo-boo and with tears in her eyes asked if it hurt.

I'm perfectly fine. I took a 2 hour nap and am headed out the door to buy an ornament for Lauren's dance class ornament gift exchange. Then we'll eat and go see Santa at Christmas in the Park. It has been an emotional week but I have closure and I am at peace knowing that our bodies were designed by The Ultimate Creator to release something that may not have developed normally. And for those of you who may not know, 1 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage!